10 things I’ve learnt about boys

10 things I’ve learnt about little boys since bringing three into the world, including noise, sticks, poo and wrestling. I have found that the old saying “Little boys are made of slugs and snails and puppy dogs tails” certainly does have a some truth but underneath the snotty messy facade they are also a pinch of “sugar and spice and all things nice”, not that they would want you to know that.

1. Every game becomes a wrestling match

It doesn’t matter if it’s a board game or you’re reading a story, you’re playing with toys or you’re playing in the garden, whatever the activity it WILL end in a wrestling match. Little boys are balls of pent up physical energy and playful aggression and although they love other activities nothing comes close to their love of jumping on you, wrestling you to the floor or pretending you are a dinosaur that they must take down. I learnt quickly that bruises are all part of playtime with sons.

2. Sticks are life

Don’t ask me why but sticks are THE most fascinating thing to little boys, they must be collected whether covered in mud, moss or falling apart, they must be kept for no other purpose than to clutter up the house and they are treasured, God forbid you throw one away. I have enough sticks in my house to piece together a forest and when I see their faces light up at the sight of yet another one it really makes me wonder why Santa bothers bringing toys, why not just deliver a bucket of new sticks to add to their collections.

3. Noise, I have never known noise like it

Constant, deafening noise is what fills the house when little boys live there. All activities must involve screaming, grunting, snorting or animal impersonations of some kind and all as loud as they can manage. A whisper voice is a concept they can’t grasp and they are at their happiest when running around jumping and screaming so loudly you can’t hear yourself think.

4. Your entire house is a soft play

It does not matter how many times you say “we don’t jump on the sofa” or “don’t use the cushions to jump on” or “don’t climb” you will never win. To boys the entire house is a soft play centre waiting to be explored and rearranged into the optimal layout for an obstacle course, lava lake complete with stepping stones or a boat surrounded by hungry crocodiles. Nothing is safe.

5. Poo is hilarious

There is no word funnier than poo. It can be attached to any other word such as “poo head, poo brain, poo face, poo sausage, poo plate, poo cup, poo bed” and it is apparently equally as hilarious. Discussing poo is a must, in detail and with great excitement and enthusiasm. In fact I think if I allowed it poo would be discussed or added to every single sentence my sons say.

6. They love disgusting things

They may not be made of slugs and snails and puppy dogs tails but they’d certainly find them, shove them in your face and then keep them in their pocket if you let them. Worms, spiders, creepy crawlies, mud, oh my god the mud, anything dirty or disgusting attracts them like little magpies and holds their attention for longer than even a robust wrestling match can.

7. They look slightly feral 80% of the time

Stains, snot, mud, food and who knows what else, they attract dirt and grime like a moth is attracted to a flame and no matter how hard you try they always look a little unwashed and un kept. I’ve long given up with hair brushing and clothes are now worn regardless of stains, life’s to short.

8. They are cheeky

Their cheekiness knows no bounds, they have the look of the devil in full mischief mode and usually for good reason and they can make any situation funny with their antics and comments.

9. Being outdoors is a must

Running around, discovering things, getting messy and generally burning off some of their endless energy is a must.

10. They are secretly super loving

Despite their full on, frantic, loud, cheekiness and their pretence that they don’t like or need cuddles and kisses they secretly love them. What’s more they are super caring and thoughtful, they just don’t always show it so when they do you know it’s all the sweeter.

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