Today I had an EMDR session to identify a target for the processing session next week and although we are yet to start the EMDR treatment I’ve already learnt so much.
We can truly believe we have forgiven ourselves for things which need no forgiveness and that we’ve accepted there is no blame or fault to be apportioned but guilt sits heavy and it’s roots are planted deep.
By being asked the right questions and being placed in a situation where I had to think about the exact things I have been avoiding for three years, I realise that guilt still infects my thoughts.
“I shouldn’t have rushed and pushed to get the boys home from NeoNatal, they were too small and too weak, it’s my fault twin one got bronchiolitis.”
“I shouldn’t have had visitors, I opened them up to germs because I was selfish and wanted to celebrate my babies coming home.”
“I shouldn’t have been naive to the risks of bronchiolitis, I should have done more to protect them.”
“I shouldn’t have let my eldest go to nursery just to give me a days break once a week, it was selfish and it brought germs into our home.”
“I should have spotted my baby was poorly sooner, I should have done more.”
“I’m to blame.”
I didn’t realise until today that i still believed any of this, that this mantra of self blame was looping like a soundtrack in the depths of my mind. What else is lurking in there?
It’s got me thinking that perhaps the thing blocking traumatic emotions and sensations in our present, saving them up like raw painful highlights of things we’d rather forget instead of letting them rest as memories, is guilt?
If that’s the case then I guess working to gain the right perspective on events is just as important as the EMDR processing in combating PTSD.
The main thing I’ve learnt so far though is that I should have done this years ago. I should never have told myself to “get on with it” or “that I was being silly” because this one planning session has already helped give me more insight into me and my PTSD than I could have imagined.
If your struggling ask for help, don’t lock things up and hope they heal on their own, sometimes they just need a little help to get them unblocked. Xxx