There have been times since having the twins where I have struggled so much I didn’t know how I’d get through the following day and I’ve doubted myself so much that I thought I was failing as a mum on every imaginable level.
I made it through somehow and to be honest I believe going back to work was for me a saviour, although it obviously brought more guilt as well.
During the days where I couldn’t bear the moaning and crying and frustration anymore. The days where I was consumed with guilt feeling like I had failed the boys because I couldn’t cuddle them or play with them or give them the same attention I could my singleton. The days where I cried in secret and questioned myself and my abilities. During those days I told no one how I felt except my husband, I let no one else see and I put on a smile and threw parties and socialised to feel like I was still ok and I was on top of things.
During those days my husband got me through and slowly I coped better and I found ways to beat myself up less for what I saw as my failings as a mum.
I am THE most open person (as those who follow the blog may have noticed) but during the days where I needed to scream “I need help I can’t cope” I couldn’t find the strength or the honesty to let people know.
I learnt a valuable lesson a few weeks ago during a girls night out and it’s one I want to share with every woman who may be struggling right now.
After a couple of glasses of wine I started to tell one of my closest friends just how much I felt I had failed the twins and just how guilty I have felt and how hard I had found things and then I said “did I do a good job”.
She stared at me with a look of such shock, shock that I would even need to ask such a question and shock that I had doubted myself so much for so long.
She threw her arms around me and hugged me with so much intensity like she wanted me to feel how much she meant what she was about to say and with tears running down her face in the middle of the restaurant she looked me straight in the eye and said “don’t you ever say that, don’t you ever doubt yourself like that, you did an amazing job, amazing”.
I felt better instantly but it was only as the weeks went by that the power of that conversation hit me.
Our closest friends are the ones who know us best, we have shared our ups and downs with them for years, their opinion matters to us and it has the power to help heal us if only we let it.
My friend was devastated she hadn’t noticed at the time, that she hadn’t picked up on how I felt.
Our friends love us and we know they will always tell us the truth and will always help us because that’s what friends do so we must let them in and let them care for us in our moments of most need.
My friends heartfelt words helped me put aside months and months of doubt and guilt, It meant so much to know she felt I was a wonderful mum and I only wished I had asked that question during my really difficult days.
So to all the mum’s who may be struggling, who may be doubting, who may feel burdened with guilt, CONFIDE IN YOUR FRIENDS.
Ask them the questions you fear asking most, the questions you think make you sound foolish or like a failure because their opinion, reaction and comfort may just help release you from the pain you currently feel.
Trust your friends now like you have over and over before and let them in now in the midst of the situation not so long after like me.