An apology to my twins – I’m sorry I wished away your baby days

Mummy has been guilty of wishing away your baby days, longing for a time when I could leave the house with you and your big brother without it having to be a full on military operation. Without the need for endless amounts of nappies, baby clothes and pureed food and without the need to try an estimated when you may or may not want to nap based on what time you decided to wake and whether you had been up half the night screaming.

Mummy is guilty of wanting the time to come quicker when you would be more content, when you could play and move around more easily. A time when you wouldn’t need to moan and cry because you could tell me what was wrong and I could make it better.

Mummy is guilty of imagining a time when you would run around with your big brother, collecting sticks in the garden and roaring at each other like dinosaurs. A time when we could go to the park and you could all play on the swings and slide together instead of you two being locked inside your pram observing from the side lines. A time when we could go to the zoo and you could excitedly run to the animals and peer at them through the crowds of people and then demand ice cream for your lunch.

Mummy is guilty of longing for the fun of building dens with you and your big brother and for the nights when you can all have camp outs in the playroom, watching films and eating popcorn. A time when we all go to the cinemas and laugh and be silly and I have to tell you all to stop asking a million questions and just watch the film. A time when we can go out for meals and go bowling, when bedtimes aren’t such a big deal and we can enjoy late nights playing and wrestling daddy.

Mummy is guilty of dreaming of the time when I get to see the world through your eyes, learn what you learn, the time when I get to explore with you and when you and your big brother are the best of friends, three boys together taking over the world.

You are now fifteen months old and as I looked at you sat scoffing sandwiches in your high chairs and laughing at your big brother I realised the times I have been wishing for are closer than I think. Out of nowhere you have become toddlers, you are big boisterous boys who crawl around exploring your surroundings, playing with each other and your big brother, ‘talking’ to me and asserting your new found personalities and I have no idea where my tiny premature babies have disappeared to.

So now mummy is sorry, I’m sorry I longed for days that are yet to come instead of relishing the days I was living. It isn’t your fault but at times having three young boys has been unbelievably hard work, mummy struggled sometimes when your frustration at being unable to sit or crawl caused you to moan all day long, when you woke through the night and our days began at 3am. When you were both poorly and I only had one pair of arms to comfort you or when you would look at me with teary eyes because I had picked one of you up before the other. There were hard days, lots of them but there were so many more amazing days and mummy is sorry I have wished them away.

Your tiny hands and feet, the way you would stretch in my arms as I lifted you from your mosses baskets, the smell of your hair, the bleating noises you would make and the way you would snuggle into me. Feeding you in the living room in the middle of the night when everywhere was silent but we were awake, alone in our own little world. Keeping you in baby grows all day and then ‘progressing’ to tiny outfits as you got a little older. Carrying you in your car seats, one seat on each arm, my whole world in my arms and stood by feet. Days spent in the house watching you sleep, feeding you and playing with your brother, maternity leave days when mummy didn’t have to think about anything else other than you three beautiful boys. Making you endless varieties of puree and watching your face as you tried new flavours. Teaching you to wave and clap and babble. So many precious memories.

Mummy is sorry I didn’t write every moment down, every milestone achieved, every silly little quirk of your personality as it developed. I’m sorry I didn’t cuddle you more, I longed to sit and rock you to sleep but there were two of you and one of me and how could I choose! I’m sorry I didn’t take more photographs of you or film your first smile, or wave or word. I’m sorry I couldn’t split myself in three and give you and your big brother an equal share of the overwhelming love I have for you all.

Most of all I’m sorry those days have gone by so quickly, I wished them away and I will never be able to get them back. It is the hardest lesson to learn as a mummy, to focus on the present no matter how difficult or stressful because all too quickly it becomes the past and then we long for it back. So I am making you and your big brother a promise, my three little dudes, no more wishing for the fun times to come mummy will immerse myself in the present, the fun we are having right now and the memories we are creating because tomorrow is still going to be there but today is fleeting and gone by all too quickly.

I love you more than you will ever know my wonderful baby boys and I will treasure you always and forever.

Your ever loving mummy

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