This is a bit of detour from crafts but I want to write about surviving prematurity, everything from an A-Z of terms and things to know about NICU to the overwhelming range of emotions you will go through and that it is normal to feel each and every one of them, or indeed to feel nothing for a long time. But the truth is as I sit and try to write my head is a buzzing, whirling mess of thoughts and emotions, as I try to focus in on one point ten more burst forward with such force it is like water about to smash a dam apart.
There is so much to say, so many things everyone about to face or living through prematurity should know, not the facts and figures but the truth, like how you may feel so numb to emotion that its like you are existing not living, you are a body going through the motions whilst your soul is curled up in a corner rocking and crying.
How the hell do you even begin to put such a complex and life changing experience into words let alone words that aren’t a rambling of fear, loss, grieving, elation, love and hormones! I have been trying for weeks and I get nowhere, but there is a voice inside my head that keeps drawing me back to this topic, I sit down every now and then with the intention of adding craft things to my blog and I find myself agonising over how to write about this massive part of my life that has undoubtedly changed me forever. In all honesty I have no idea how to write this, how to tackle this subject but I know I must try for all the women who feel alone in their struggle because you are not alone.
Premature birth isn’t just about the facts and statistics, it’s about the all consuming fear that you may lose the thing most precious to you, it’s about the loneliness you feel even when you are surrounded by people who love you, it’s about the endless hours you will spend staring through incubator glass at your beautiful baby not able to touch them, it’s about feeling you have failed or that you are a bad mother because you manage to summon the courage to put one foot in front of the other to walk out of NICU every night, it’s all the shitty all consuming terror that you can never explain that you have to live with every second of every day whilst trying to carry on some form of normality. It’s this that I so desperately want to write about in the hope that it can help even one person know that what they are feeling is completely normal.
I’m no expert and i’m not claiming to be, in the scale of prematurity my 31 weekers are far from micro preemies, my experience will be totally different to someone else and I don’t have any answers but what I am offering is my frank and honest thoughts on prematurity, NICU and life afterwards and I hope it helps in some small way anyone who may be reading.